I am an option - not a priority | AnalyticalAly's Blog

I read this quote in one of the experiences:  “Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option.”  I can't find out who originally quoted it, but it really struck a chord for me. (Thanks HandsomeDevil for quoting it!)

In my life, I have made a lot of people my priority - sometimes to my deficit.  Their needs came first - their wants came first - and sometimes if their needs and wants were too much, I would just stop doing some things for myself.  And when I was romantically involved - there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the guy was a priority to me - above pretty much all else (not really a good thing).  I do think that some of this comes from me wanting everyone to like me and approve of me and me being a big people pleaser plus I am a giver - and giving of my heart included.

In my life now, I feel like I am an option to just about everybody - the only person that I think I am a priority to is my mom.  I think my Dad puts me way up toward the top - but he still tends to look out for himself then next is my mom (rightly so!).  Anyway, of course I am not a priority to my children - they should be MY priority and I should be their option - isn't that what we are trying to do for our children - teach them so that we don't have to be a priority in their lives and they can do for themselves.  I don't have a friend that I think I am a priority to - and to most I am definitely sure they consider me an option.  Now, onto the kicker for me - I am not even a priority to my husband.  I think I was when we were dating, but I haven't been one in a long long long time.  Toward the beginning of our marriage, I tried to make him my #1 priority - anyone new to marriage has a lot to learn about not being selfish or self-centered, and though I am basically not a selfish person, even I learned some lessons about that.

Through the almost 15 years of our marriage, I have tried to make him a priority - and I definitely have been there WHENEVER he has needed me in whatever way he has needed me (in good times and in bad and even in worse; in sickness and in health - and boy is he nasty when he doesn't feel good).  What I have struggled with in my marriage to him is that he has a mentality (which I think he grew up with) that if I don't look out for myself, I am not going to get my fair share or noone else will.  Therefore, I am not the priority in his life - he is - making sure that everything is even and fair and that he isn't missing out or being taken advantage of.  He will sometimes talk in a way that leads me to believe he is actually keeping a mental tally list - okay, she got to sleep in last Saturday, so I am going to sleep in today (which is fine) or I did the dishes this last time, so I am not going to touch them and see how long it takes for her to get to them.

That particular point really saddens me because if he thinks that I am the type of person who would not be fair, would take advantage of him, then he doesn't KNOW me at all.  There has been evidence to that affect all along the way.  With the kind of attitude that he has, I can never be a priority because that would mean putting me first at least sometimes - he has read some books recently that tell him to make his wife a priority, but he has actually said to my face, "it is physically painful for me to have to put you before myself" - what the hell?!  And I can't remember exactly how he phrased it when wrote a letter to me and left it on my pillow, but it came across like it was hard for him to simply be kind to me - I am that unlovable and unlikeable that it hurts him to be kind to me.  That is really all I ask of him - some kindness.

He has seen evidence to the fact, that when I feel loved and cherished, I will meet all of his needs happily - be very docile and open to any ideas, suggestions, plans - that I will joyfully be at his beckon call - when I am happy and feel loved and cherished - I could be a nymphomaniac - he would have nothing to complain about - nothing - I can be a cream puff.  He has seen that be the case, but his behavior does not last - he says it is too exhausting to keep up with and he then resents me for "making" him be that way - I don't MAKE him do anything and he knows that too!  He does what he wants to do when he wants to - he just may not tell you that is his plan.

So, we are back to the topic of this entry - I am an option not a priority to just about everyone in my life.  And sometimes, I would like to be a priority in someone's life (besides my mother).  It makes me sad to think about it too much.

Someday, I would like to have the type of love with my partner where I KNOW I am a priority to him.

My mood: pretty disappointed

This Blog Entry's Comment Board (7 comments)
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Posted on 04:14AM on Mar 24th, 2009
I got that quotation as an email - forward from a friend.

I've been(and still am) in the same position as yours. Being just an option for most people. Makes me wonder sometimes ......Did i go wrong somewhere.......Where? That thought keeps bugging me all the time. Makes me feel like a loser sometime.

There was a time about 5 years ago when I was away from my hometown and all my friends. Living in a different city. And i had to go through a lot of troubles. Used to feel really bad when there was nobody to help me out. Now i am back, I go out of the way to help my friends when they need. Sometime help them out even they don't ask for it. I help them because i don't want others to go through what i have been through. Now i am in a situation when i get calls from them only when they need help. Never would any of them call just to say ' are you'. I've no clue what to make of it.
Posted on 10:44AM on Dec 15th, 2009
Love this blog. you are right on it. I am also experiencing this in some level. i posted this in Facebook and i was told that you don't have self esteem! I think people are so judgmental and inconsiderate sometimes. Just because they are not emotionally capable of anything (At least that's how it was presented), they think that everybody else should be too! But people have different experiences in their life. I had a dysfunctional family as a young child and now i am trying to have my own normal family but we cant get everything that we want, can we? I am still thankful for what i have though. No matter what the flaws are. It just saddens me....
Posted on 10:49PM on Dec 27th, 2009
Bless your heart, I do sympathize with you! "I'm an option, not a priority" certainly sounds familiar to me, as well as to many other women, no doubt! My husband's priorities are his job, money, and mother, all of which make me feel like a fifth wheel in my own marriage. He doesn't hesitate to lean on me for emotional and physical support and understanding when he needs it -- but he doesn't believe in reciprocation (except with his mother). When I regain my financial independence, I'll be taking my leave of this narcissistic, emotionally detached man. I know it's much easier said than done, sweetie, but your life may be happier, more harmonious, and less painful without your husband's constant rejection. It's much better to live peacefully on your own than to live with someone who constantly ignores, belittles, and takes you for granted. He'll only get worse. You sound like a warm, wonderful woman who should surround herself only with those people who approve of her, cherish her, and make her a beloved priority in their lives! I'm rooting for you, honey!
Posted on 08:12AM on Jan 26th, 2010
Numinous - what a wonderfully nice comment!! You made me smile and your comment was very encouraging! Thank you!!
Posted on 06:39AM on Jan 12th, 2011
Sounds like you need to re-examine yourself. It's too bad that you find it easier to put blame on others without reflecting on your own personal faults.
Maybe I'm wrong and you are the most perfect, selfless person in the world. Maybe you are giving your husband so much sex and attention that he no longer finds you a priority. Maybe you make him feel so manly and needed that you are no longer a priority. Maybe everyday you dress up for him instead of looking like a slob that you are no longer a priority.
I wish all women were as perfect as you!
Realize your own faults before you start pointing the finger at others.
Posted on 03:12PM on Feb 6th, 2011
Firstly, what an honest an interesting piece! It is all too easy to get distracted/caught up in what we do for another person without realising the imbalance that might be present in that relationship. I have been guilty of this too and what you said about being in a romantic relationship and putting that person before everything, really reasonated with me. I feel that it can be so easy to subconsciously put yourself down by putting 'that person' on a pedestal and for things not to be balanced. You deserve to be treated how you need to be treated, because you are worth it! It sounds like you have come to a certain realisation over time of not being fulfilled in this area, and it sounds like your husband's ways are due to his own experiences of life, and sometimes these can be very deeply intrinsic in our nature. It is hard that people express their love in different ways.... Its not easy, but you have done really well to acknowledge it. Knowing he is how he is, and that he does what he can do...and in accepting this fully for what it is - the next thing to ask might be 'what do YOU want to happen'. Take Care.

PS- @charlesbuttons.

It is all too easy to point the finger at one person without realising that three fingers are pointing back at yourself. Bullying often stems from a difficulty to empathise and respect differences in other people including their emotions and words. Everyone has a right to their feelings and to share them on this site without fear of malice.

In my experience people are the EXPERTS of their OWN lives and do not need to be told to realise their own faults. Often, people are well aware of the things they could choose to develop in their lives, and perhaps the negative aspects of their personalities.

You write as if from a place of great knowledge, and have the right to your opinion, though I wonder how it felt for you to want to make someone else feel bad or be put down.

From such great knowledge should come wisdom and in being wise, you would know that everyone's experience of life is different and there is never a need to transfer your own difficult feelings (perhaps about imperfect women?) about your own life to someone else.

Everyone benefits from self-reflection, everyone has faults...I am sure you will agree this in your own practise of self-reflection.
Posted on 04:52AM on Dec 9th, 2012
It's sometimes hard to find somebody that treats you like a priority over being an option. I wish only the best for you and I hope you get everything you deserve in life. Somebody that treats you like a queen.
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Previous Posts
Don't know what to call this entry...., posted May 27th, 2009, 4 comments
I Want to Think of 100 Things That Make Me Happy, posted March 16th, 2009
I am an option - not a priority, posted March 2nd, 2009, 7 comments
My addiction to Blogthings Continues...., posted February 23rd, 2009
Don't know what I am thinking..., posted February 22nd, 2009, 1 comment
Still don't know where to start, posted February 21st, 2009
It's a matter of trust, posted February 19th, 2009
Afraid to start, posted February 18th, 2009, 1 comment

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