I am an option - not a priority | AnalyticalAly's Blog
I read this quote in one of the experiences: “Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option.” I can't find out who originally quoted it, but it really struck a chord for me. (Thanks HandsomeDevil for quoting it!)
In my life, I have made a lot of people my priority - sometimes to my deficit. Their needs came first - their wants came first - and sometimes if their needs and wants were too much, I would just stop doing some things for myself. And when I was romantically involved - there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the guy was a priority to me - above pretty much all else (not really a good thing). I do think that some of this comes from me wanting everyone to like me and approve of me and me being a big people pleaser plus I am a giver - and giving of my heart included.
In my life now, I feel like I am an option to just about everybody - the only person that I think I am a priority to is my mom. I think my Dad puts me way up toward the top - but he still tends to look out for himself then next is my mom (rightly so!). Anyway, of course I am not a priority to my children - they should be MY priority and I should be their option - isn't that what we are trying to do for our children - teach them so that we don't have to be a priority in their lives and they can do for themselves. I don't have a friend that I think I am a priority to - and to most I am definitely sure they consider me an option. Now, onto the kicker for me - I am not even a priority to my husband. I think I was when we were dating, but I haven't been one in a long long long time. Toward the beginning of our marriage, I tried to make him my #1 priority - anyone new to marriage has a lot to learn about not being selfish or self-centered, and though I am basically not a selfish person, even I learned some lessons about that.
Through the almost 15 years of our marriage, I have tried to make him a priority - and I definitely have been there WHENEVER he has needed me in whatever way he has needed me (in good times and in bad and even in worse; in sickness and in health - and boy is he nasty when he doesn't feel good). What I have struggled with in my marriage to him is that he has a mentality (which I think he grew up with) that if I don't look out for myself, I am not going to get my fair share or noone else will. Therefore, I am not the priority in his life - he is - making sure that everything is even and fair and that he isn't missing out or being taken advantage of. He will sometimes talk in a way that leads me to believe he is actually keeping a mental tally list - okay, she got to sleep in last Saturday, so I am going to sleep in today (which is fine) or I did the dishes this last time, so I am not going to touch them and see how long it takes for her to get to them.
That particular point really saddens me because if he thinks that I am the type of person who would not be fair, would take advantage of him, then he doesn't KNOW me at all. There has been evidence to that affect all along the way. With the kind of attitude that he has, I can never be a priority because that would mean putting me first at least sometimes - he has read some books recently that tell him to make his wife a priority, but he has actually said to my face, "it is physically painful for me to have to put you before myself" - what the hell?! And I can't remember exactly how he phrased it when wrote a letter to me and left it on my pillow, but it came across like it was hard for him to simply be kind to me - I am that unlovable and unlikeable that it hurts him to be kind to me. That is really all I ask of him - some kindness.
He has seen evidence to the fact, that when I feel loved and cherished, I will meet all of his needs happily - be very docile and open to any ideas, suggestions, plans - that I will joyfully be at his beckon call - when I am happy and feel loved and cherished - I could be a nymphomaniac - he would have nothing to complain about - nothing - I can be a cream puff. He has seen that be the case, but his behavior does not last - he says it is too exhausting to keep up with and he then resents me for "making" him be that way - I don't MAKE him do anything and he knows that too! He does what he wants to do when he wants to - he just may not tell you that is his plan.
So, we are back to the topic of this entry - I am an option not a priority to just about everyone in my life. And sometimes, I would like to be a priority in someone's life (besides my mother). It makes me sad to think about it too much.
Someday, I would like to have the type of love with my partner where I KNOW I am a priority to him.My mood: pretty disappointed
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